The monitor needs a special metal plate fixed to the stand in order to be VESA compatible. After calls to LG hotline, the replacement parts hotline, the distribution hotline and the replacement parts distribution hotline it turns out this part is not available anywhere and nobody even knows of it. The nicest part though was when I told the man that the device is several years old. He immediately lost interest and hung up. Nice. Thanks, LG.
Whooops. I had that weird plate in my package all along. This wrapped. Sorry, LG. All I can blame you for is no longer having replacement parts after... roughly 5 years.